Baby (Buying) Steps…

That post title was weird… I’m not taking steps to buy a baby. 🙂 For some reason, I have developed a serious anxiety about buying baby items. ANY baby items. I haven’t been able to convince myself to buy a SINGLE thing for the baby since I bought Adam a camo diaper bag back in February.

I get crazy anxious and start sweating every time I walk through the baby aisles at stores, and I feel like I just can’t start or I won’t be able to stop the crazy tidal wave of baby-buying that is sure to ensue. And there’s just SO MUCH STUFF out there… do I need it? Do I want it? Does the baby need it? What’s good? What’s crap? Should I buy this used? Should I wait? Why would I need that? Why wouldn’t I need that? What color should I get? What does that do? It costs HOW much? What IS that?

Aaaaargh, my head is kind of spinning and I’m not even shopping right now. This is how weird I am: I’m planning my best friend’s bachelorette party right now, and yesterday I went out and spent like, $115 on supplies without flinching. Essentially, I have no problem dropping hundreds of dollars on fake pink penis decorations, but get me within 20 feet of a $5 pacifier and I break out in hives. ‘THE FUCK?

Anyway, I FINALLY bought ONE SINGLE ITEM for my baby. And I’m veryhappy about it. It’s VINTAGE, because it’s discontinued and hasn’t been made in I don’t know how long, so I had to find it on ebay. I paid a whopping $26 for it and it is so PERFECT I totally cried when I got it in the mail today:

This… is the perfect teddy bear. I say this because I have the exact same one. The EXACT. SAME. BEAR – and I’ve had it since the day I was born, almost 29 years ago. His name is Snowy, and I’ve slept with him nearly every single night… he’s been on every vacation I’ve ever been on, he’s been accidentally left in a drawer at the DisneyWorld Hotel in the 80’s (the staff shipped him back to me!), he goes on all of my overnight business trips with me and is now currently serving as a great back rest/prop during my pregnancy while I sleep. He was even there on my wedding night (and my silly girlfriend Jen put his paws over his eyes when she decorated our bridal suite, it was hilariously cute)!

So… Snowy used to look exactly like the new bear. Now… he’s… a little “broken in”:

Hopefully my baby will love his or her new bear as much as I’ve loved mine. This was the one item I knew I would have absolutely no anxiety buying. 🙂

Is it too late to hire a surrogate?

Seriously, Babycenter.com… stop sending me horror emails. I appreciate the weekly “your baby is now the size of (enter fruit or vegetable here)” – but this last email I could’ve done without. Just let me enjoy being pregnant and I’ll find out the scary stuff later. I’ll just give you the general idea of why I spent the last week pretending that maybe I’m not really pregnant:

BABYCENTER.COM: BODY CHANGES AFTER CHILDBIRTH

1. You’ll have crazy afterpains when your uterus starts to shrink

2. You’ll have to pee a ton right after you give birth, but

3. You won’t be able to tell you have to pee

4. Your vagina is basically ruined

5. You’ll bleed. A lot.

6. Breastfeeding huuuuuurts

7. You’ll be depressed

8. You’ll lose your hair

9. You’ll have terrible skin

AWESOME. Anyone wanna do the hard parts for me?

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Magic Mushrooms

Getting ready for the softball game Monday night (in which my pregnant ass has been demoted to scorekeeper, waaahhhh)…

Me: Okay, cool, so let me just pop in the garage and through in a load of laund—-aaaaaaaaagh!

Adam: (sitting on the couch, doesn’t even turn around to look at me) What?

Me: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Adam: Words, Jenny.

Me: You have to come over here.

Adam: No. What is it?

Me: COME OVER HERE!

Adam: Oh is it the mold?

Me: ‘ohisithemold’ what the fuck? You SAW this???

Adam: Yeah like two days ago. (he is still facing the tv)

Me: YOU SAW THIS TWO DAYS AGO AND DIDN’T MENTION IT??

Adam: Didn’t think it was important.

Me: (my voice is getting higher) WHAAAAAAAAT? THERE WAS A FUCKING MUSHROOM GROWING OUT OF OUR FLOOR AND YOU SAW IT TWO DAYS AGO AND YOU DIDN’T THINK IT WAS IMPORTANT????????

Adam: Well I didn’t know what to do about it.

Me: (I sound like a cartoon now) THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING MUSHROOM GROWING OUT OF THE WALL!!!!

Adam: Yeah. I cleaned it up when I saw it the first time. (still facing the tv)

Me: (trying to bring my volume down a teeeeensy bit and stop hyperventilating) You’re telling me that this giant, fully developed magic mushroom grew out of our wall in the last 48 hours? You cleaned up a DIFFERENT indoor wall mushroom, and this one regenerated in 48 HOURS?

Adam: Yeah.

Me: LIIIIAAAARRRRR! CLEAN UP THIS FUCKING MUSHROOM RIIIIIIGGHT NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW! I’M PREGNANT AND THERE ARE FUNGUS SPORES FLOATING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE! OUR BABY IS GOING TO HAVE THREE EYES!

Adam: He’ll have better sight then. I’ll get it when I get up.

Me: (holding a dirty sock over my face like a mask, to avoid fungus spores) I just looked on the internet and it says mushrooms in the house is NOT a good thing, especially for infants and PREGNANT WOMEN. We’re going to have to rip up the floor.

Adam: Stop looking on the internet! We have to go to the game.

After I made Adam clean up the devil mushroom, I called my dad and he was JUST as nonchalant as my husband. “Oh yeah, those things happen. Just wipe it up, no biggie.” The hell?? Anyway, it hasn’t come back since Monday night…. SHOCKING. Because Adam would like me to believe that those fuckers magically regenerate in 48 hours. I’m not saying he did clean up “the first one” and I’m not saying he didn’t…. just pointing out that since I watched him clean it up, nothing has come back. Weeeeeeiiiird. (Sam says this may be reminiscent of the time Adam “definitely fed my fish” when I went to visit Molly in AZ for a week and had 2 dead fish when I came home.)

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Have You Seen This Man?

On the right of this page, in the profile pic… my husband… his name is Adam… remember his face because it may soon appear on the back of a milk carton.

Me: Hey Baby… this app I have on my phone says that the baby’s fingernails are formed and that synapses are rapidly growing in it’s brain. And it’s the size of a large lime. Also, it says I should be able to feel my uterus now… HEY! I CAN FEEL MY UTERUS NOW! This is so cool!!

Adam: *blank stare*

Me: Hello? Are you going to respond?

Adam: Yeah, well… I finally hit 45,000 miles on the truck yesterday.

Me: *blank stare*

Adam: What?

Me: Maybe this should be considered more of a quiet time for you. Like, a listening time.

Adam: I thought we were sharing exciting information.

Me: I’m sorry, you’re right. Would you like me to bake you a batch of cookies, maybe rub your feet? You must be so exhausted. I’m only GROWING A PERSON.

Adam: A beer would be nice. And maybe a backrub.

Now if you’ll please excuse me while I go find a shovel to bury the evidence…

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When do I get my killing license?

You know, the one that comes with pregnancy, that’s allowed to be used when your husband commits food felonies?

Oh here, let me explain:

Last week I had a musthavethemnownownowrightnow craving for Apple Toaster Struedel (I saw a commercial for Eggo waffles, which made me think about how toaster struedel were way better, which made me get off the couch in my sweatpants, put on shoes, and drive to Carrs at 8:30pm). A few mornings later I woke up and asked Adam if he’d like me to “make” us breakfast, and offered the struedel. He complained about me even having bought the damn “breakfast candy” in the first place since he’s on a diet, but finally decided he wanted some.

I went downstairs and threw two into the toaster, trying not to cause an electrical fire while leaning over the toaster and drooling. When I served Adam, he was still complaining about carbs, and then, THEN he had the nerve to say this:

Adam:  Oh. Ew. It’s apple? Why didn’t you buy raspberry? Gah.

Me: Fine, don’t eat it. they’re my favorite, and there’re only 6 in the box. I’ll eat it and make you eggs.

Adam: No, I’ll eat it.

Me: DON’T EAT IT IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO ENJOY IT. THERE ARE ONLY SIX IN THE BOX.

Adam: I just don’t understand why you bought apple.

Me: GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!

Adam: Hey, crazy lady. I’m eating it.

Me: IF YOU’RE GOING TO DISRESPECT MY FOOD, I MAY HAVE TO KICK YOU IN THE BALLS. YOU’RE LUCKY I EVEN GAVE YOU ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Adam: I’m leaving the room now.

What? I barely think this pregnancy is even affecting me. 🙂

Okay, second food felony on Adam’s record:

On Easter Sunday we went to visit my grandma before church, and she was putting those delicious Pillsbury crescent rolls into the oven. I made Adam stay 15 minutes extra so I could eat one fresh out of the oven before we headed off to church. He was nervous that we were going to be late, so I grabbed the tiniest one off the pan while they were still baking, and it was one bite of pure deliciousness.

I figured they only had about 2 more minutes to go, so I stalled JUST so I could grab another (a bigger one, of course). Lucky me, it worked, and just at the last possible second before I was dragged out the front door I was able to snag a full-sized roll off of the pan. Yay!

When we got to the truck and Adam was opening my door for me, he asked if he could have a small bite. Grateful that he let me stay the extra 2 minutes when I knew it would make him nervous about being late, I put the heavenly roll up to his mouth…. and he took the whole thing. HE ATE THE WHOLE ROLL IN ONE BITE.

HE ATE. THE WHOLE. ROLL.

Now, I’ll ask again… when do I get my pregnancy killing license?

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Sneaky McMocktail

3/1/10

I knew I’d have to bluff about drinking when I decided to keep this pregnancy a secret for a while… but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to fake it! After these excuses got tired…

  • “I’m not supposed to drink while I’m taking my fertility medication.”
  • “I’m SOOOO hungover from last night.”
  • “I need to start off with water before I head straight to the hard stuff.”

… I came up with a few fake drinks. So this is what I’m drinking now:

Mama Mojito

  • 1/2 lime, cut into a few pieces
  • 5 or 6 fresh mint leaves
  • 7-Up, Sprite, or club soda
  • ice

Fill a glass with ice, then add mint leaves and lime wedges (squeeze them into the glass first). Using a muddler (or if you’re like me, the back end of a wooden spoon), smash the mint and lime into the ice a few times (to release the flavor in the mint!). Pour soda over the mixture and enjoy!

 

Alcohol- “Fre” Wine/Champagne

Found this stuff at the liquor store for about $8 or $9 each. I’ve found it’s a little difficult to conceal the bottle, obviously, but at home it’s kinda nice. Tastes pretty good, for not having any booze. 🙂 Add a red juice (pomegranite, cranberry, etc) to the champagne and it looks just like pink champagne (a staple at any of my girlfriends’ parties).

 

Modka-Cranberry

  • 2tbsp lime juice
  • ice
  • water or soda water
  • cranberry juice
  • lime wedge for garnish

Fill glass with ice; pour cranberry juice to about 3/4 full (maybe a teeny more). Add lime juice and fill to top with water or soda; stir. Garnish with lime and enjoy! Note: I only add water or soda to make the drink less “red” when trying to hide my pregnancy, because most cranberry-vodka drinks are more pinkish when vodka is mixed in.

I’ve also read that pomegranite juice looks like red wine (not cold juice, or it will condensate and give you away!) and white grape juice will pass for white wine. I have yet to try these, but will probably add them into the mix soon enough. 🙂

Phi Kappa Preggo

3/1/10

Appropriate things to say to a newly pregnant woman:

  • “Oh, you’re going to love being pregnant!”
  • “You’ll be so cute with your bump!”
  • “Yay, you’re going to glow!!”
  • “Now you have a license to eat ice cream every day!”
  • “You’ll make such great parents!”
  • “I can’t wait to help decorate your nursery!”
  • “I didn’t have any morning sickness, so you’ll probably inherit that.”

Inappropriate things to say to a newly pregnant woman:

  • “My friend gained 60 pounds, so watch what you eat.”
  • “Don’t believe what they say about the glowing. You’ll probably have bad acne.”
  • “Have you ever farted in front of Adam? ‘Cuz you will now.”
  • “Are you going to eat your placenta?”
  • “My friend pooped on the delivery table.”
  • “My baby’s head was so big it ripped my all the way to my asshole.”
  • “I was in labor with you for TWO DAYS, so you’ll probably inherit that”

I am FIVE WEEKS PREGNANT. Please stop trying to terrify me! I feel like I just joined a super-elite sorority that it took me a year to get into, and there are like a few really nice people who are so excited for me and then the rest are also excited but ruthless and they can’t wait to put me through the pregnancy hazing rituals while practicing their evil cackles.